fuck.

listening to MP talk about politics makes me want to stab myself in the face.

Back in Black

I tried being a good girl. I really wanted to do build up some good karma. But this bitch right here. UGH. I love hearing from everyone how she has been calling me a bitch for the past two weeks that I have been trying to be nice. Being nice honestly gets you nowhere.

Mp vs grammar

Boss Man: " did you find out blah blah blah about such and such"

MP: "nope, he don't got one."

Boss Man: "he doesn't have one."

hahahahahahahaha. Even my boss gets in on it.

MP Vacation planning

on phone: "can you give me prices on your carriage rides?"

I wouldn't let her anywhere near a carriage unless she was pulling it.

MP @ the Dr.

A: "what is she doing at the doctor? are they trying to find her brain?"

Myself: "no, she is having trouble swallowing. it is really ruining her social life."

laugh

I want to describe her laugh better. Here goes. "Hooohooooheeeheeehaaaahaaaahoooooooooocackle"

omg

she gave herself a headache as well from talking too loud.

she just left the office to flirt with the guy who is selling her a trailer. he called her beautiful on the phone. Her response, "How do you know I'm beautiful, I could be some old hag." Poor guy. She is a hag.

nutrition

we hired a nutritionist. I love how professional it looked when she came in to sign her paperwork. MP spent the entire time laughing like a hyena and talking on the phone about ordering a trailer.

convo

today I have heard all about someone dying while fishing, transmissions and her discussing someone else's insurance with someone who works for an insurance company. I have a headache.

typical

Real quote, "That's typical Hispanic lifestyle. I know. "

I seriously doubt it.

update.

One of MP's "friends" died. It is in quotation marks because I have been hearing her laugh about it now for two days. If you are wondering what it sounds like, think deep throated Woody Woodpecker laugh. I am not kidding. It is so annoying.

meh

Heaven forbid you need to do something to your meal plan while MoonPig is on the phone

anonymous MP tips

DC: "you probably can't tell right now because your senses are numb, but pay attention tomorrow when you or her first gets there..you'll get a subtle whiff of moth balls and stale underwear...thats her. i have noticed it everytime i have ever been around her"

thank you caller.

LunchPig

MP's lunch schedule today.

11:30 leave for lunch. Saltgrass. Really surprised it isn't massive amounts of Mexican food like normal. she must be watching her girlish figure.

12:15 Return with lunch. Start eating while working at the same time. GROSS.

12:55 Finally stops throwing food at her face. Sucks on fingers for last time. woof.

hiya

Hi, welcome to Lamar. Oh you are a PHD student from Kyoto, Japan? Here is a racist, ignorant MoonPig to give Texas a great name. Thanks!!

real life things I say in response to MP talking at me

"I never pay attention to anything you say to me."

ugh

Convo between Mp and myself. This started after I had to listen to a live conversation between her and a student about re-ordering a card. She is like the Card Nazi.

MP:"did you hear her getting sassy with me!"

myself: "you started it. Most people don't sit back and take it when someone is rude to them."

MP: *some sort of harumph/scoffing noise*

MP vs the Ziegster

We have a new worker that went to Nam. He is also a complete asshole. Not sure if Vietnam has something to do with it or not. I call him the Ziegster. His last name shall not be revealed. I have already said to much.

Now The MoonPig has returned. And has met the Ziegster. There will be an epic battle. Maybe they will take each other out??? She is a Godzilla type. I will peg him for a Mothra.

racism y'all: part 2

for a racist moron, she sure does like flirting with the black students.

Dear MP

I would like to inform you that it is the first day of school. You work at Lamar. And your hair looks like shit. Maybe wash it?

peeee esssss

her mom looks like a lesbian. Not a cute one.

Return of the MoonPig

so MoonPig got in a wreck. I respectfully have kept myself from blogging about her tearful attempts at sympathy, but today I am slightly annoyed. Let's hang out at the office and cry for an hour and talk about miracles. Barf.

Post-it Pig War Vol II

Yesterday was day two of strange post-it wars. We left it above her mouse. Apparently she found it and didn't ask anyone what was up. It was a cryptic "58". Today's post-it is located behind her computer monitor. "59". What does it mean?!? When does she start freaking out and thinking the government is out to get her?

lol @ myself

I totally forgot about a joke I was playing on the old pig. Then it got officially played today as an awesome surprise to myself.

I tried to block the horrifying picture or herself and the only person I assume would have sex with her voluntarily. They look totally related and greasy haha. So I put a post-it over their faces. I didn't want it to be too obvious so I had to cleverly put something on the post-it. I just randomly put "57". Then the office all kee-kee'd about it and completely forgot.

MP:" Hey this was on my photo on my desk. *lifts up post-it* It says 57, does anyone know what that means?"

Everyone is shaking their head and desperately trying not to laugh.

freak thing.

I am listening to phone conversation about someone who got eaten to death by a bull terrier. Apparently it was just a "freak thing, you just sometimes have to make the choice to put an animal to sleep." WTF it ate a fucking person.

"can you keep the dog forever yourself? see that's the problem *hacking barfing noises*. You sure don't want that to get worse if you place it somewhere. "

MoonPig loves finding homes for murder dogs.

Note from me.

So my punctuation etc is probably super bad. Well, I am having to do this super sneakily. I can barely see how small I had to make the screen so no one else can see it. Also she is a super creeper and wants to be in on everything. So there you go. Asshole. Talking about my run on sentences and such.

Sicky Poo Piggy

MoonPig is sick. I heard something about polyps and blockage. I immediately stopped listening. So since I am too lazy to illustrate the wonderful view of this, and my sneaky camera skills suck, I will just have to describe in detail how fucking retarded she acts all day. As usual.

She is being super quiet. I never knew that was at all possible. She is also walking around and not picking up her damn feet!! She sounds like an old lady shuffling around with house shoes on.

On phone to her doctor:" I have something wrong with my throat. It feels like every time I eat everything just packs up." Woof. Plus so many jokes. So little time.

Maybe if you stopped throwing shit at your face like a wild monkey and took time to chew your problems will be solved.

P.S. I bet she has cancer or something and then I will have to stop making fun of her. :(

BonVoyage

In such a good mood. Feeling like a boss. Seriously had one of those Sound of Music moments on my way to the post office today until I started perspiring. Can I survive without the anger? Who will I lord my intelligence over??? Who will answer these questions?????

MIA MoonPig

so MoonPig gets the day off today. Her great uncle died. So I assume she is going to a funeral service to play DS like she did when her great aunt died. Yay for being respectful.

I cannot complain though. While normally my work environment feels like being stuck at a Death Metal concert in the middle of a mosh pit (not entirely sure if you mosh there. whatevz), today its like the fucking Eagles up in this bitch. Peaceful, Easy Feelings y'all.

"I didn't make it to church last night, my jeep battery died."

Even Jesus doesn't want to hang out with you.

games.

if I have to listen to another "SHIT!!" or "FUCK I FORGOT TO SAY UNO" I will go ape shit bananas. Play games quietly prease.

staying 'not fat'

I feel like considering every one of her meals revolves around Taco Bell, Elena's, and some random burger place, she should be roughly the size of a bus. Somehow she is just 'overweight'. But I guess its easy to lose a good percentage of your food when you just throw it at your face. Woof.

blargh

adding alcohol after cooking food and wondering why you can still taste the alcohol. so smart.

racism y'all

MoonPig: "Did you guys know that the fairs etc used to have days for blacks only?"

Me: "yeah its called segregation, did you not read any history books in school."

MoonPig: "I didn't pay attention to all that shit. But I know they used to separate them."

Me:"Yeah that's called segregation."

gaaaah!

when she eats it sounds like a bear destroying a car looking for snacks.

Diet.

in the wild the MoonPig survives on a heavy diet of Mexican food and wings. Also I assume the hearts of virgins.

Symplex

MoonPig is talking about her mouth herpes and how it can be transferred during blow jobs. I fucking hate my life.

betch.

Hi, my name is MoonPig and I like to slam shit, and make fucktons of noise.

TrashPig

So the MoonPig has a habit of taking out all the trash in the office. Go figure. She has decided the last few weeks (due to my constant state of bitchiness?) that she will not take out mine. So instead of doing it myself, I have decided to leave it. I use the foot method of stomping it down to make room. I can tell she is uber pissed. I have also started sneaking trash into her can. Because I am like that, and I have to get my kicks somewhere. I will win this. Mua-hahaha.

p.s. I am eleven.

frolicking.

It's pretty bad when I look forward to my trek to the post office. Smoke, smoke, SMOKE.

the MoonPig is stalking the private dining hall. That means my office is quiet. I have no idea what to do.

Allocate

"I need to allergate these. Did I say that right?"

me:"nope"

on the phone with MoonPig

I am typing this word for word. Adding the thoughts also that went through my head at the moment.

(to someone that I can only imagine is a moron)

MoonPig: "She always says I am bipolar, but she is bipolar (WTF they are all bipolar). She is also two-faced (samesies). She chose to get out of doing nails. Thank you. Oh, yeah that's Molly. She loves to kick people when they are down. She loves to pass judgement (this is the most self-aware she has ever been!). That's right. Who do you think said something to her? (prob you, MoonPig). Who is Kaley? That's right. She did the same thing to Rachel. The leopard will never change its spots (could only come up with 'the moonpig will never change its snout, sad). When I used to go to her to get my nails done, I really liked her work. She kept digging me for information and unless I feel comfortable with you I won't tell you any of my business (crap..why am I so lucky). She pretends she lives the fairy tale but she doesn't (SHE FUCKING DOES NAILS!). She is a manipulator (you should prob take notes, since you suck at this). MmmmHmmm. Yup. Yup. Who all from there wants to go? LEAH?!? Good. I will be honest with you, I like Stacy, but watch your back with Stacy. Her and Molly are really close. They are one-uppers. (I feel like they are on uppers.) Jessica is still with Shear Madness. Wow, ok. When I get off I'll come help you (LOLOLOL)."

An oldie, but a goodie....enjoy!

MoonPig: "Listen to this, a woman that works with my mother said her dog got out, chewed up a dead cat that had parvo, and that gave it parvo. But it had been vaccinated."

Myself: "Cats can't get parvo, and that is the most retarded thing I have ever heard."

MoonPig: "Yes they can!"

Myself: "You can believe that if you want. But its still retarded."

(an hour later)

MoonPig: " you were right, but only because I meant distemper."

Myself: "right..."

"What is this missing plug-in thingy on the Facebook games? I can't play my games! Bastards!!"

Me: O-:) "I dunnooooo."

MP: "I better knock on wood." *knocks on desk*

Myself: "That isn't wood. It's particle board."

MP: "I'll just knock on your chair!"

Myself: "That also isn't real wood."

MP: "Well, I will just knock on my head."

Big Bossman: "Not wood either. Wood swells and contracts."

MP: "Nuh uh, that's particle board! Wood doesn't swell!!!."

Myself:"yeah. yeah it does."

The Dingo Eats My BayBay

Because I can no longer control the pure hatred I share for my co-worker, I have decided to start an online blog. This woman is the most racist, homophobic pig I have ever met. Someone once gave her the nickname MoonPig, so I am assuming she had a fat childhood.

A Datsun is a car, not a dog. Dachshund!!